When I decided to become vegetarian, the first thing I considered was why? What is the point of discontinuing my consumption of meat in protest to animal cruelty when it is a natural part of the food chain? (Phew, I sounded reasonably intelligent there.) I think the fact that as meat is a part of the food chain in the first place puts me off, sounds crazy I know. But the wet slap of uncooked meat on a chopping board to handling the icy slivers into a pan...Kinda grosses me out. It's like with any food processing if I don't like how it's made, why the hell should I eat it? Just think of all the fast food horror stories (and all the dodgy kebabs that result in food poisoning,) you could have avoided if you would just stop eating random crap.
But hey, let's not go crazy here. I'm not obsessed with food. Not a raw vegetarian here (though if you are, How can you live without ice cream??), I just feel I'm making my life, and a few piglets lives, easier if I don't constantly crave a bacon bap. Embarrassingly enough though, the real reason I became a vegetarian in the first place was because I was too awkward to say I wasn't.
Last year I went on the most amazing holiday ever to Canada. I lived with my cousins for a long hot month in Ottawa, often described as the armpit of Canada. Charming, no? Luckily for me and everyone else in Ottawa it's an amazing place and home to the nicest people you'll ever have the pleasure of meeting.
On the phone to my Aunt she asks me what I like to eat, proceeding to tell me that both my cousins are veggie. Not wanting to make her go out of her way to cook for me (after all I am staying with them for a month!) I say "Aw that's good, I'm one too!"
Fuck.
I tell you one thing if you are still in school and have the option to do it TAKE DRAMA LESSONS. IT TEACHES YOU TO LIE. YOU CAN CREATE A THRONE OF LIES AND SIT ON IT! AVOID EMBARESSMENT BY PRETENDING YOU'RE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING AND WEREN'T CRYING THE NIGHT BEFORE OVER THE NEW GAME OF THRONES BOOK NOT BEING RELEASED AND IT WAS JUST A DICKHEAD ON REDDIT SPREADING RUMOURS.
Pleasantly enough, I have been an avid drama geek since I was 6 and a Christmas tree in the school production, I skilfully bullshitted my way through that conversation.
"Of course I love halloumi (wtf is halloumi?), I don't mind what type of vegetables you cook (I do, boiled and green YUCK), I'm actually not that big of an eater, just a little bit and I'm on my way. Pudding? I don't often have it at home..."
Why did I do this to myself???
My mum said the second word I ever said was ham. I loved that stuff so much my baby carnivore brain let me learn all the barnyard animal names, without making the connection that my beloved oink oinks were also the beloved ham I munched on. Horrifying. So the idea of putting myself through a month of carrot snaking, in BBQ season was a nightmare.
Fortunately, becoming vegetarian was a blessing in disguise.
I have been prone to week long benders eating only chocolate and pasta risking scurvy. Whoops. So going vegetarian last year was my way of saying that when I up and move to university I won't drop dead from starvation and type 2 diabetes. My superior green eating skills have let me rise above that of my counterparts who are laying on the ground inflicted by freshers flu to gain a 1:1 in my degree. ~hopefully~
The twisted moral of the story is that panicking and saying something wrong can sometimes be a good thing. You may end up becoming a better person. Not to say that becoming a vegetarian will instantaneously make you have your feet on the moral high ground but health wise your body will thank you for it. Even if it is the odd day you substitute your cheeky Nando's order for a Mushroom and Halloumi pitta. Also you never really know where your food has been do you? I mean if you were in WWII and you were on porkier rations than the rest of your neighbours, at least you know it was from the black market and probably had some human residue in it.
I'm not sure even today you would imagine a pig that was dead gave David Cameron head.
Coincidently, that is why I turned veggie from horse meat scandals to blended chicken feet McNuggets. That should be crazy people at PETAs new argument for turning us vegetarian. How do you know the burger you're eating right now hasn't been porked by the PM?
